LightSpeedCash Weekend: Webmaster Planes, Guns
& Automobiles
by Jason Tucker
Lightspeedcash hit the scene with a single girl Web site and a few
niche sites that surprised me - and most - in that they retained to
levels that are not usually found in the average affiliate program.
The result is the most successful revshare-only program in the adult
business. Having never looked back and ever-increasing its site base,
Lightspeedcash has further defined itself by breeding newbies into
seasoned webmasters, and its ringleader, Steve "Lightspeed" Jones,
has led the charge. In the last few years, Lightspeedcash (www.lightspeedcash.com)
has grown phenomenally and in this writer's opinion, this is due in
no small part to their marketing skills which include antics and activities
that in the past have included helicopter races down the Las Vegas
strip, fighter plane stunt flights, and in the words of the Grateful
Dead, "late nights and hard fights." It all culminated with their
cu de'gras, the Lightspeed Adventure Weekend.
The phone rings, "Hey its Lightspeed and I would like to personally
invite you to our adventure weekend as a thank you." Awesome I thought,
note to self, pack Tylenol and start sleeping now. The activity menu
included all a child hiding in a grownup's body could ask for. In
reality it was more, and included stunt plane flights, go-kart racing,
arcade games, paintball wars, a miniature golf tournament, spa treatments
and hanging out with the Lightspeed Girls. The following is my diary
- as best as I can read my writing - from four calendar days, three
real time days and six hours of sleep.
Note to reader: Some names have been changed to protect the guilty
and blame the innocent. Other names were omitted completely.
DAY ONE: THURSDAY
I arrive at the airport with Kinzie Kenner, the new Lightspeedcash
single girl, I see Fabian from CE in line and we check in with no
problems. That is always a good sign. Kinzie hates to fly and is sitting
in the seat next to me praying for a safe flight. We land and I decide
that I am sticking with this girl because I figure if she got us to
Arizona safely, she can get me home as well.
Tanker calls, "I am on my way to pick you up at the airport. Hang
out. I am only a few minutes away." We meet up with other webmasters
in the baggage claim, head outside, pack our bags in the car and head
for the hotel. I was expecting red carpet treatment knowing that we
were staying at a 4-star resort, however, I had no idea how much planning
and attention to detail these fine chaps went into for this weekend.
We check in and find out that we all have two-story Presidential suites
with decks that interconnected surrounding our own private pool and
Jacuzzi. My first thought was, "Yeah baby, this is going to be so
wrong and so beautiful!"
We throw our bags down and meet YnotBob out on the deck. His first
words came as no surprise, "Shoooooters!" The adventure has begun.
A few hours pass and we have managed to create a mega bar on our deck,
and patrons are arriving to partake in the fruit. Its about 4pm, the
sun is hitting us all perfectly, drinks in hand, YnotBob lights up
a cigar, we look at each other thinking the same thing, we are so
lucky to do what we do. J-Man arrives along with most of the LS Crew,
Steve, Richard, Zebra, Tanker and cases of beer, a staple when any
one of the above is present. Cameron and Mike from MadThumbs and the
remaining Lightspeedcash top webmasters show up. Steve stands up and
says, "Ever since I got into this business, I wanted to have a weekend
where my top affiliates and friends could hang out and have fun; I
guess there is always next year." We laugh and Richard, Lightspeedcash's
Chief of Operations passes out Lightspeed jerseys to everyone. These
are embroidered baseball jerseys, which at shows have grown to represent
a club membership to one of the longest running parties you will ever
attend. We head out, all in uniform, to the pool; someone stops J-man
and asks what Lightspeed is? His reply in his French Canadian accent,
"Ma'am, we are a Brazilian baseball team in town for a championship
game." They bought it, and we now have a cover story.
Dinner is upon us at a lovely restaurant on the resort property. Steve
introduces the full Lightspeedcash Crew, which included Louisa, BryanY,
Amro, Lane and Shannon who I reminded everyone they might know because
she signs our checks. Steve thanked everyone for coming. I thought,
yeah, like any of us were going to say no. We finish dinner and have
just enough time to grab cases of beer and Red Bull and make our way
to this very large limo bus with the words VIP on the side. We loaded
up and headed out to the local strip club. Upon entry we were all
given an unlimited drink pass and a handful of cash to entertain the
natives. I am pretty sure that Raimi (xxxraimi.com) and Kinzie (kinziekenner.com)
had the most fun, as they had girls lined up to dance with them. I
enjoyed watching them juggle the dancers while rubbing all over them.
We headed back to the hotel at about 2am and I don't remember much
after that except that pizza showed up at about 5am. 8:30am fade to
black.
DAY 2: FRIDAY
High noon my phone rings. F@*k, I missed the sponsored breakfast.
"Tucker, it's Richard, lunch is being served." I vaguely remember
saying I was sleeping. Fifteen minutes pass, "Tucker its Richard,
you're still not here, get up." I rolled out of bed, put on shoes,
shorts and my Lightspeed jersey, and made my way to the poolside restaurant.
I walked in looking like death, drank four cups of coffee and nursed
myself with turkey, cheese and fruit. Stunt flights were going on
and people were being shuttled over to partake in the death defying
rides, to see who would puke and who would hold their own. Ram, from
what I heard, redecorated the plane's console. After the troupe finished
their flights, we got back on the Bus and headed out to race Go Karts.
With the entire place rented out for us, we divided into teams and
raced, and then raced again. With the title on the line, the top racers
went at it. Steve kicked everyones' Asses but took himself out of
the running. J-Man, Fabian and Rage took the top slots and were awarded
trophies.
We made it back to the resort, changed, and were shuttled off to Gillian's,
a two-story kick-ass arcade with tons of interactive games. The back
hall served as the command station where food, drink, and fresh game
cards were kept. As dinner began, in walks Tawnee Stone, Jordan Capri,
Raimi, Kinzie, Aly and a few other models. Let me tell you, their
sites are hot, but in person... schwing! Local Webmasters joined us along
with the CCBill contingent and the upbeat powerhouse that is known
as Kimmy Kim. Fabian and I realized that if this adult entertainment
thing doesn't work out we could become truck drivers as we played
on that game for a solid hour. Don't know who would insure us though;
we hit everything in our way. People were feeling no pain at this
point and who shows up? Grimm Shawn and Voodoo, which only meant one
thing, Jagermeister would serve as our master of ceremonies for the
evening. We closed out the arcade, headed back to hotel, and the girls
decided to get naked and participate in a massive photo shoot in the
party suite bedroom. This event can best be explained as a location
where one would want to die and place a headstone, so that others
would know that you too got to view the sites and sounds of...The
shoot finishes; I wipe off the sweat that is dripping from my forehead
and begin crawling around the suite chatting with everyone. I must
be having a good time because I notice that I am wearing Lightspeed
panties over my jeans and don't seem to care. Kimmy Kim has me barking
as an entrance fee to her lair which has been created with pillows
on the floor. Note to self: listen to everything KK says, and remember
this conversation in the morning. She is intoxicating. Shannon comes
over and informs me I have a 9am massage. Cool, I guess I won't be
sleeping.
I stumble into the spa and pass out on the massage table. I wake up,
leave, and head back to my room. Sleep is feeling really good - nope,
its lunchtime again, must sleep, no, must eat, Tucker confused. I
crash out and wake up just in time for a late lunch/dinner. I was
told that more went for Stunt Flights and, oh well, I missed the opportunity
to puke my guts out at 10,000 feet. I also missed the miniature golf
tournament that took place that afternoon. Oddly enough, no one played
for joins. They decided that the losers would have to run a gauntlet
at paintball later that night, which meant running from one side of
the field to the other while the winners shoot the shit out of them.
Have you have been following closely, you can see where the confusion
has set in, it's day three.
We were taken to an outdoor restaurant that had a full-sized beach
volleyball pit, picnic tables, a psychedelic bus with tables inside,
grills everywhere, and waiters dressed as monks. This was a cook-it-yourself-BBQ-joint
that every city should have. When you place an order, food is brought
in a bag and you cook it. We hung out, watched people play ball, talked,
drank and finished off that part of the evening roasting marshmallows
over open flames. Kumbayyah it's paint ball time; back on the bus!
We took a quick side trip to the LS studio to be shown where the magic
happens. Pool, kitchen, bathroom, big screen TV, I could move in today.
LS's BryanY had his jeep in the driveway doing all sorts of tricks.
It has a remote control starter, neon lights, a bumping stereo and
various other accessories that you usually only find on the cars of
rap stars or men in the desert with free time.
I knew this night would rock... No-holds-barred Paintball in a 25,000
square foot indoor facility with towers, a van, sandbags and an aircraft
fuselage. This was it, the event I was looking forward to - being
able to shoot my brethren to high heaven. Ryan from Consumption Junction
says that he had received an anonymous ICQ from someone who asked
him to shoot me in the nuts. Ryan just became my first target, and
I needed to get Fabian on my team, for if for no other reason, I could
hide behind him.
We suit up for war, and are held off until Jason the manager gives
us a passionate twenty-minute lecture explaining how many ways you
can lose an eye. Okay, we heard you; it's time for the gauntlet. Fabian,
Grimm Shawn, YnotBob and Ryan stand on the firing line with Steve
- and two other victims prepare to run. They are obliterated, and
we are ready to kill. We finish off with Most Valuable Assassins that
included Fabian (Cecash.com), who like the Terminator killed anything
that moved, myself, Grimm Shawn (Maxhardcore.com), and Lightspeed.
Our last night together brought Six-Nine from Soulcash.com and several
others out to play. We are back at the resort and are going to go
all night. The girls are present; all refrigerators are full of the
necessities and I remember a belly flopping contest into the Jacuzzi.
The rest will be left up to your imagination to which I can only say:
Lightspeed, mission accomplished, you get our traffic in exchange
for not releasing the video tapes.
This event is the second in what is becoming a more personalized way
of marketing your company. It is direct and to the point, its focus
is clear. Take your top affiliates, spend one-on-one time with them
in the hope of bonding in ways that you cannot during the chaos and
fast-paced schedules of shows and conferences throughout the year.
The first of its kind was held earlier this year by TrafficCashGold,
in which webmasters were flown out by invitation-only to the Miss
Desert Sun Bikini Invitational, a weekend of golf, games and 50 beautiful
bikini models in the desert. If this trend continues, Webmasters can
look forward to being wined and dined in new and creative ways by
sponsor programs looking for the one asset they need for their survival,
your traffic. The good news is that traffic is still king, and that
you the Webmaster can look forward to reaping additional rewards.
Lightspeed, I must truly thank you for an extreme and memorable weekend.
You guys truly rock and are one class act.
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